With you was falling blindly into a dark hole
Not knowing the outcome but feeling
Every bump
Every sharp edge
Until I reached the bottom
Now there’s no way to get out because the slightest movement allows for the pain to seep back in
Looking back on when I wrote this poem I can feel the pain that was inside of me. I was completely broken. It was a pain that I didn’t think was possible to feel. I hate that I reached a point like that. A point where seeing this boy for the first time immediately felt like I was starstruck. I fell so deeply in love with someone who I thought shared the same feelings as me but it was completely one-sided. I found out too late that it was one-sided. So when it came to light that it was one-sided it really did feel like I was falling down into a ridge and feeling the pain with every bump. There was no one I could turn to. At some point it began to seem like I was a broken record just on repeat. I got tired of even hearing myself constantly talking about how hurt I was. So I stopped talking about it. It wasn’t like my words were going to change the past or change his mind. The people who I was constantly talking to didn’t have the power to change the events that took place no matter how much I wish they could. It was going to have to be something that I learned how to deal with. That was easier said than done though. I wanted to move on to just pick up and leave it in the past and I tried multiple times to do that but it didn’t work. Just continued to end up in the same spot over and over. It was a never ending spiral. It felt like every step I took to try and move on was another punch to the stomach. Hence the line “the slightest movement allowed for pain to seep back in”. It was such a fresh wound so of course it was going to hurt every time I tried to walk away from it. I needed to get rid of this feeling that I was drowning, that I was falling. I couldn’t continue in everyday life with this constant weight. I needed to find an outlet, or some form of release for all this pent up anger and sadness before I imploded. In order to do that I turned to writing. I let these words pour from me until I felt empty. I wanted the words to take all the hurt from me and keep it away from me. And it actually worked. After I wrote this poem, I felt such a relief flow through me. I could finally explain to people and more importantly myself of what the feeling was of hurting and when I finally got those words out I shut out that portion of my pain. I was finally able to move without pain seeping in.
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